Okay so I’ve always been a bit hyperbolic but seriously the enneagram has changed my life or at least my outlook on it. I told both my mom and my husband I wish I had discovered this YEARS ago because it probably would have saved me a lot of money in counseling (although I’m still a huge advocate for therapy).
What’s the enneagram, you ask? Well, its basically a personality system (not to be confused with a personality test). The reason this is a system and not a test is that it takes into account the fact that our personalities are fluid, not static. Our personality can change drastically in times of stress or times of health and situationally throughout the day. For example, I’m a type 2 (The Helper) but in times of stress I go to an 8 (The Challenger) as a protective mechanism. This basically keeps me from being completely bulldozed. When I’m in a phase of growth as a 2 I actually more closely resemble a 4 and have an artistic side that gets to show up. It also talks about how different personality types coexist in relationship (and it basically describes my husband and my relationship to a T).
There are nine different personality types (you can find out yours for free here):
Type 1 – The Reformer also known as the Perfectionist (my hubby falls into this category)
Type 2 – The Helper (this is what I am)
Type 3 – The Achiever (my Mom falls into this category)
Type 4 – The Individualist also known as the Romantic
Type 5 – The Investigator (a lot of people I work with fall into this category…probably because I work at a tech company and hang out with engineers)
Type 6 – The Loyalist (my Brother in law and one of my best friends)
Type 7 – The Enthusiast (several of my best friends)
Type 8 – The Challenger (my Dad falls into this category)
Type 9 – The Peacemaker (one of my brothers)
Recently on a solo road trip up to Austin for work I listened to The Road Back to You’s podcast about being a 2 and I sobbed like a baby.
In a nutshell as a Two, they said my primary fear is of being useless (ugh YES!). They said (and this is where I started crying) that I feel the need to help others because I’m convinced that were it not for my helpfulness others wouldn’t need or want me in their lives. Twos feel other’s feelings more than their own and often cannot identify what their true feelings actually are (enter my eternal inability to make a decision when it involves my life). I need to feel needed. Twos also have an uncanny ability to identify the needs of others without asking. Its like we can walk into a room and just know what others need. The funny thing is that we expect other people to have this super power too and unfortunately they do not so we often get a bit bent out of shape when others don’t read our minds and know what we want or need (my poor poor husband).
My husband is a Type One – The Reformer/Perfectionist. Understanding this about him has literally already saved us multiple fights because in my better moments I’m able to do the mental gymnastics necessary to understand that he’s not being an ass he literally just sees the world through Steve colored glasses (i.e. he literally is incapable of understanding there’s more than one way to skin a cat). Reformers are plagued by an inner critic that Never. Shuts. Up. This means that he’s constantly thinking he can do better, be better and that he’s never enough. Add in some light nagging from yours truly and its a recipe for a fight. Knowing this has helped me learn to take a softer approach to admonishing him.
Ready to be obsessed like me with this test? Take the free test here. Read all about the types and how they interact here. Buy the Road Back to You here and finally listen to podcasts about them here.
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